Persistent Complaints

Lately, I've been applying the insights of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy to the problems faced by some of my coaching clients.

One observation is that many people have persistent complaints - complaints about "the way other people are", about "the system", about "working for the man", about "the way things are", etc. But having these complaints doesn't really change anything.  In fact, they're more of a burden that we carry than an effective way of getting our needs met.

IFS approaches people as having multiple Parts and a unitary Self.  From an IFS perspective, Part of us has a persistent complaint.  The beauty of this distinction is that we get to be Self and to work with the Part of us that has the complaint instead of just complaining.  The distance that we get from the Part allows us the space to explore what the Part is really up to?  What is its job? What does it fear will happen if it isn't doing its job?

One of the key insights of IFS is that every Part has a good intention. The Part of us that has the persistent complain is actually trying to protect us in some way.  In other words, there is an underlying care that gives rise to the complaint.  Our reactiveness - our persistent complaints in this case - disconnect us from what we care about. When the Self consciously recognizes and aligns with this underlying care rather than allowing the Part to reactively complain, new possibilities for effective action arise to express the Part's care.

Here's a short self-observation exercise for you to work with this:

1. What are some of your persistent complaints?
2. What are the good intentions and cares underlying your persistent complaints of your Parts?
3. What new possibilities for action (other than complaining) open up through owning that you have these caring Parts?

Take care,

-Steve